I believe in miracles...

...since you came along [you sexy thang]

A miracle. That's what I've come to think God wants to show me and all ten of you! =) So, I got the results back from my PET/CT scan last week and my oncologist, Dr. Nam Dang, is 95% sure that I've relapsed and wants me to get a biopsy to verify that it's still Hodgkin's. That it could be some other type of cancer is ridiculous. From *MY* point of view this biopsy is a perfect opportunity to show how awesome God is.

It's almost ironic that this is setup this way because just the other day I was talking with my mom about miracles and how often, when talking with other Christians about miracles, I can easily come up with a perfectly logical explanation for why what happened did indeed happen. Sooooo it's entirely possible that God has quite the smirk on his face, eyes cocked, saying, "What was that? mmmmhmm."

What makes me sincerely apologetic to all of the times I've done that is not even so much that I'm now in a similar situation (if the biopsy comes back negative for *any* cancer there's always that 5% cushion that logic sort of demands be the plausible explanation) but that my mind is still operating on a wave length similar to a six year old. If you will:

When people are young it's difficult for them to grasp the world around them in terms of "others" and to think of their friends or families as being autonomous creatures entirely unto themselves. When a daughter is crying her eyes out when daddy leaves for work, it's because they stop existing when they walk out that door. I have a really smart friend (Sungwon) I met in South Korea with whom I would often talk about anything and everything relating to the mind, the consciousness, and all that inexplicable life stuff. We touched on this topic one day and he had actually read some paper about it but I can't for the life of me remember what it's proper name is called; rest assured it has one. I stress that only so I sound less like an assumptive wretch trying to explain away his problems.

Anyway, I'm detracting. My original point in bringing that up is that when I think about my own mental reasoning away of these miracles in others' lives is that I was not taking into account the individual. The same way that I curse western medicine for blindly using statistics as their safety net, I was forgetting about the individual and baselessly explaining away the profundities of what had happened in these peoples lives. Now that I'm in their shoes I can see how they call it a miracle.

Maybe I'm not being clear enough on that. I say that, "I'm in their shoes" without really explaining why. Well it's because this isn't exactly a shock to me. I've been reliving all of my pre-chemo symptoms for almost a month now and fighting off the worry and fear that comes with going through eight months of chemo to experience 2 months of comparative health before being thrust back into the misery of sickness once more. I have been terrified to give voice to it because, if God created the world with His Word, and His Word is "marrow unto my bones," and the lepers, and the blind, and the possessed, and the lame were all healed by verbal affirmation of their faith.

But here it is none the less, and I'm praying for a miracle.

Yes, I would call it a no-holds-barred miracle. I don't need a biopsy to tell me that everything I'm going through now I've already been through. If the explanation before was Hodgkin's, simple logic would dictate the answer now. But that's why we call them miracles. Will you pray for a miracle with me?


Anonymous said...

I just read through your blog. You are an amazing writer and you are so right about the miracles when it is someone else it is so easy to reason away but when its personal suddenly God is very real and the miracle isn't so very far away. I will be praying. ~ Hannah S

Jhaysonn said...

Thanks Hannah! Doubly for the prayers! =) They're working! I have had *TWO* biopsies so far and both were found inconclusive. When I was in Korea and they did a simple FNA biopsy they had found enough to all but diagnose but this time they can't find anything!! God is good, God is oh so good =)

One more biopsy on Thursday. Hopefully the last.